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FIVE USEFUL TECHNIQUES
August 27, 2009
This is the companion ParenTip to DISCIPLINE: THREE STRATEGIES THAT WORK.
1. TIME-OUT. This only works if the parent understands what it is and how to use it correctly. Time-out is opposed to Time-in (attention from you). Children crave attention so much they will settle for negative attention, like your screaming at them, rather than no attention.
To use Time-out correctly the parent should
• Select a boring place like a dining room chair.
• Buy a special timer.
• Explain to the child that from now on certain behaviors will be dealt with by time-out.
• Use one minute per year of age (child at least three).
• Keep a young child in the chair by a hand on the shoulder but don't talk.
• Repeat every time the behavior you are punishing occurs.
2. LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES. The parent must apply a consequence every time an unwanted behavior is seen. Consequences can be natural-if the child smashes a toy, the toy is gone (don't ruin a teachable moment by replacing the toy) or logical--determined by the parent who makes the punishment fit the crime and helps the child make connections between the behavior and the consequence ("Your green shirt will not be washed in time for the party. You didn't put it in the laundry.").
3. THE "CARROT." This refers to thoughtfully-used systems of rewards. Unless the child does what is expected, NO reward!
Grandma's Rule is a time-honored way to get young children to modify their behavior when this behavior is annoying but not punishable. "If you let Mommy dress you for preschool quickly, we'll have time to read the new book!" The Gold Star Chart also works. "If you stay in your bedroom and play quietly until Mommy and Daddy's alarm goes off you will get a gold star on the chart. After a week of gold stars we'll go to the zoo!" You can also judiciously use an Unexpected Reward for good behavior The first time a 3-year-old sits quietly in a restaurant you can not only praise the behavior but also reward it ("I'm so proud of you, I'm going to buy you a new book!") Just don't overdo rewards!
4. THE "STICK." This refers to punishment which signals to the child that certain behaviors will not be tolerated and sanctions will always be applied. The punishment should fit the crime. The child must know what the sanction is, and for what "crime" it will be applied. Don't let pleading or wheedling change your mind. Taking toys or privileges away are useful sticks.
5. ASK THE CHILD TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM When you are at the end of your parental rope-your child still sasses you or fights with another child--ask the child to solve the problem.
Do the same thing you would do at work if you had a problem with a co-worker. You'd invite that person to lunch, state the problem, and ask what can be done to solve the problem.
Take your child out to lunch or breakfast--an away-from-home setting works best. State the problem. Add that you can't figure out what to do about the problem but you want it solved. Ask the child what he or she thinks can be done. Here comes the hardest part: Stop talking! Wait for the child to come up with an idea. The child may not say anything or may come up with an unworkable solution. But sometimes a solution is proposed that works.
Written by Dr Marilyn Heins. Dr.Heins is a pediatrician and parenting columnist residing in Tucson Arizona. For more information visit www.ParentKidsRight.com.
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