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Arguing with Your Child Is Like Trying to Push a River
November 22, 2007
“I don’t understand it,” Alice complained to her sister. “Brendan was such an easy baby. I remember Eddie and I used to thank God that we had a baby who slept through the night and was so easy to please. Usually, we never heard a peep out of him. Well, those days are over. There is no peace in our house anymore. Our dinner table has become a boxing ring. We have to argue with that kid about everything!”
How does it happen that our children can become such formidable opponents? And what is to be done about it? A cycle of arguing can be a frustrating situation for a family. There are some important things parents should know about arguing. There are also some skills parents and children can use to turn an argument into a fruitful discussion.
The first thing to know is that arguing between parents and children is normal. Ask yourself this question, “What is the purpose of an argument?” The simplest answer is that an argument is an attempt to convince the other person of something, to prove you are right, and to get what you want. For parents and children, arguing is no different, but some other things may be happening also.
For many kids, arguing is about pushing the envelope, testing the boundaries, and seeing what they can get away with. It is the natural course of a growing child to want to extend those boundaries further and further, because eventually they will become adults who have to figure things out on their own. Arguing can be a way for children to try their hand at self-expression, logical reasoning, bargaining, and gaining control … all of which are important skills. Pushing too hard against this learning process can be about as productive as pushing a river. Eventually, the rivers, and our children, are going to go where they want. When a parent is determined to win every battle with their kids they may only end up shutting down communication, and making relationships strained and antagonistic.
The difficulty for many parents and children lies in the appropriate timing of resetting a child’s limits. Arguments between parents and children are often based on a disagreement of where limits should be set. The parent may be concerned about the safety of the child but the child sees the limit as an infringement on his or her independence. This aspect of the parent-child relationship is never a perfectly agreed upon process, so arguing can pretty much be counted on. That doesn’t mean it has to become the normal way of relating to your child. Nor does it mean your arguments have to become viscous battles. Every family has the ability to change its pattern of communicating.
Another valuable lesson about arguing comes to us from the reality T.V. show, “Dancing With the Stars.” The best thing this show has given its viewers is a vivid reminder that it takes two to tango. Any child will tire very quickly of arguing with his self. A parent can stop an argument very easily by choosing not to engage in it. This can be done with a simple statement, “Honey, I’m not going to argue with you about this now. We can talk about it later,” or “Let’s not argue about this. Let’s discuss what our options are.” Taking a step back from a verbal confrontation and suggesting an alternate approach takes the teeth out of a dogfight. It requires a level of maturity to take that step and it models for your child the idea that there are ways to manage a disagreement other than arguing.
The third lesson about arguing is to pay attention to process. An argument can be broken down into two components: the content and the process. The content of an argument is “what” you are arguing about. It might be what your child thinks he or she should be allowed to wear to school. It might be an argument over household chores. It might be a battle around curfew time. Whatever the topic of the argument is, there is another important element, the argument’s process. Process refers to the “how” of the argument. How do you and your child engage in dispute? Is it “fair” fighting? Does the argument turn personal or ugly? Are the arguments successful in resolving disagreements? Does arguing frequently end in tears or hurt feelings? Does it ever become physical?
Often times, parents can become focused on the content of an argument and lose sight of the process. If you are a parent who values a clean house, you might argue with your child about his responsibility for keeping his room clean. But because cleanliness is so important to you, winning this argument and convincing your son to comply may blind you to what happens when you argue. Observing process requires the ability to step outside the argument and listen to what you are saying and what your child is saying. It may only be in hindsight that you recognize some aspects of your argument are petty, exaggerated, untrue, or even hurtful.
There are different ways to respond to an argument in the immediate situation. You can engage in the argument and see where it goes, keeping one ear open to the process level of the dispute. Take a curious approach to it and listen carefully to your child’s line of reasoning. You may find their arguments immature or invalid. You might be impressed by their display of logic, or their ability to express their viewpoints. You might be convinced their ideas merit consideration. Your child’s arguing may even change your mind. Don’t get so sucked into the battle that you miss what a learning opportunity this exchange can be for your child and yourself.
Another way to respond is to suggest different ways other than arguing to resolve the dispute. This may mean agreeing to come back later when emotions have settled down. It may mean agreeing to talk things over with a third party. It may mean setting some ground rules for how you are going to discuss the issue. Possible ground rules for productive discussion can be giving each person time to express his or her concern, repeating back to the speaker what you heard and acknowledging that their concern was listened to, focusing on one issue at a time and avoiding personal attacks.
Parents may sometimes have to resort to “the nuclear option” of shutting down an argument with their authority. “We’re not going to argue about this. I’ve made my decision and that’s final!” This option may be necessary if the argument is getting out of hand. However, it should be a choice of last resort since it can send a message to your child that communication and dialogue is unwelcome.
Arguing can be an ugly, tense experience. Arguing with your child can be even more upsetting. When arguments become hurtful, it’s important to return to your child later and create an opportunity for reconciliation and a reminder of your love for your child. Arguments can also be turned into productive discussions where parents and children express their concerns and learn to listen. They can even be a good moment to see your child’s maturity in action, making pushing against the river worth it in the long run.
Steve Farmer, PhD is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Antonio, Texas. He has a private counseling practice, teaches courses at the University of Texas in San Antonio, and enjoys helping couples, families and organizations build healthy communication.
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