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"Having the First WE Conversation: How WE Do Homework Time"
November 15, 2007
Blended Family: Mom, Dad, son Marcus age 13, daughter Shayla age 4
Boundary/Activity: Homework time for Marcus
Current Frustrations: Marcus should do homework before supper, but would rather be playing video games or pretty much anything else. Little Shayla likes hanging out with her big brother as much as possible and doesn’t understand homework time. Marcus will alternatively use her as an excuse “I was watching Shayla,” or complain that she pesters him and he can’t concentrate. Dad gets home pretty late so doesn’t see all this but often gets the instant replay while trying to unwind. He either tries to ignore it or yells at Marcus to get it done and sometimes Mom and Dad end up arguing themselves. Everyone is tired of this nightly battle. Marcus’ grades are okay, the concern is mostly about the negative mood created in the evenings rather than how Marcus is doing in school.
Get ready for the conversation: Discuss the situation as parents first. (Single parents should think it through, discuss with friend or family member if helpful.) Make sure you’re in agreement before the family meets. Reasons why things are negative are not as important as deciding want you want to happen from this point forward. Each parent should get to talk it out painter or pointer style as needed.
Good WE goals for this situation:
1) Marcus will independently finish his homework on a consistent basis –that’s maturity.
2) Shayla will not interrupt him –that’s learning to respect the needs of others.
3) Mom and Dad will stop nagging –homework time never again affects the mood.
4) The entire family will learn how to handle one thing together.
Good things to discuss:
1) How should Shayla’s interruptions be addressed?
2) What does Marcus need to accomplish his task?
3) What will be the automatic consequences for behaviors?
4) How will Mom and Dad stop nagging and arguing about homework time?
Have the conversation: Set aside at least 30 minutes to sit down together with no interruptions (avoid mealtime, shut off the TV and phones). Start by affirming that the family loves each other and that being a family means working together so everyone is cared for and does their best. Use WE language.
“Tonight we want to talk about homework time. Even homework time for one person –Marcus this is not just about you –involves working together. Right now, each one of us is frustrated and that doesn’t have to continue. How are WE going to handle this? Let’s talk about what is best for our family.
Take the pressure off Marcus and start with Shayla.
Shayla
“Homework time for Marcus is important. When he’s doing homework, it’s important for all of us to let him work without interrupting him. Will you (not “can you”) please help your brother by not interrupting him at homework time? Thank you.”
Going further, “Shayla, would you like to have a special activity to do the same time Marcus has homework time?” Determine best activity(s) together like coloring or reading or JCPlayZone. She will feel special and the proactive approach will prevent frustration. When she forgets and interrupts Marcus you can redirect her back to this activity. “Remember we decided it’s best not to interrupt Marcus when he does homework? Let’s get back to (activity) and we can talk to him at supper.”
If redirecting doesn’t work, set an automatic consequence. “Shayla, we agreed that we wouldn’t interrupt Marcus during homework time. If that happens again, what do you think your consequence should be?” Give choices if needed, like not going outside or not playing on the computer. Then when/if it happens again you can keep your calm by enforcing the consequence already chosen.
Marcus
“We won’t pretend that homework is always enjoyable, but we know we can’t neglect it either. What can we do to make it easier for you to get it done before supper each night?”
If Marcus is a painter child he may need to talk it out, and may have lots of excuses at first. Just listen. Eventually it will be clear what is best for him to succeed –location, help, etc., and then you can make a plan. If Marcus is a pointer child he may not say much. Let him think; don’t offer a lot of suggestions. Give him permission to tell you what he would prefer by a certain time the next day.
In either case, let Marcus select his automatic consequence when making the homework plan. “It’s going to be tempting sometimes to not get homework done. What do you think should be your consequence if that happens?” Marcus will likely select something worse than you would! Now if that happens, you can keep your cool and simply enforce the consequence already chosen.
Parents
“We’re doing our part too. We’re not going to nag anymore or get upset. We trust you to know what you need to do and to know that we’re here to help when you need it.”
Results: The immediate benefit is that the power struggle and bad mood have been removed from the situation. The family has demonstrated unity, acted proactively for success, and made a plan that kicks in automatically when things go wrong. Long-term results include concern for others by Shayla, responsibility for Marcus, and self-control for the entire family!
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