Articles
THE EFFECTIVE COMMAND REVISITED
By Dr. Marilyn Heins
April 01, 2008
Kids don’t mind us for a variety of reasons but using an ineffective command is a biggie. (See ParenTip: MASTERING THE EFFECTIVE COMMAND.)
At the risk of boring my readers with repetition , let me once again confess again that I used the most ineffective command of all, yelling “Stop that!” from across the room. Who needed to stop? Stop what?
Other ineffectives are vague threats, unrealistic threats, stupid questions, begging, and especially saying TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN when we want not lengthy discourse but instant obedience.
So, after years of personal anguish (why can’t I get this right?) and more years of research (is there a better way?) I came up with the EFFECTIVE COMMAND.
My original rules for the Effective Command told the parent to:
Be CLOSE to the child
Start with the CHILD’S NAME
Make a CLEAR, CONCISE STATEMENT
Have a COMMANDING EXPRESSION on your face
Use a COMMANDING TONE OF VOICE–but keep the volume down
Omit the word “please”–a command is not a request like “Please pass the potatoes”
Omit any words of warning–hitting is NEVER allowed
Do not give the child a choice--it’s a RULE
A few weeks ago I got an email from Ron Pleune a BSC (Behavior Specialist Consultant) and MT (Mobile Therapist). I had to ask what a MT was and found out this is a person that works for a social agency who goes out to homes to counsel parents on parenting skills and to counsel children from about age 4 to about age 17 on behavior issues. This means Ron is in the front lines when it comes to helping parents with discipline.
He told me, “I find your material on the Effective Command a “must” in every household. I have taken your points from the Effective Command and massaged them a bit to help parents remember the Effective Command (but still give you full credit for the inventing and copyright of it).”
His revision tells parents to:
Be CLOSE to the child
Be CALM in spirit
Make EYE CONTACT
Give the EFFECTIVE COMMAND
State the CONSEQUENCE and, if needed, enforce it.
Ron also adds the phrase that he personally used with his own children at the end of the Effective Command, “Oh by the way, if there is any sass, backtalk, stomping or destructive behavior to these facilities, I will double the consequences. Do you understand, young man/lady?”
Good suggestions.
Parents: This works. Master the Effective Command (original or revised) NOW!
Written by Dr Marilyn Heins. Dr.Heins is a pediatrician and parenting columnist residing in Tucson Arizona. For more information visit www.ParentKidsRight.com.
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